In a coaching session today I worked with a 38-year-old mother of three kids aged four to ten who I have coached since February 2020. Kathy, who I admire for her capacity to be gentle, loving, and attuned to her children’s feelings, as well as really enjoying them at each stage of their development. On our weekly coaching call, she often describes funny things one of her children did, as well as how much fun she had playing outside with them!
Kathy was distraught because she felt that she was not doing well with her new role as the teacher of her children during the coronavirus pandemic. She struggled in school herself and found the new challenges of the pandemic overwhelming. She was afraid her children would be behind their peers when they returned to school in the fall. Her husband, who normally would have been available to help, is a nurse working ten to twelve-hour shifts most days.
The cultural pressures to be the perfect mother and raise children who are brilliant, great athletes and never make mistakes is impossible for anyone to achieve. The pressure to have a healthy dinner on the table every night, never have a bad day or experience any ambivalence as a mother is an impossible feat. Now add on the new role as the teacher of your children…
These ridiculous demands not only leave some mothers anxious and guilty but can take away the everyday joys of raising a family.
I shared with Kathy the concept of the “good enough mother” a phrase coined by D. W. Winnicott, a pediatrician, and psychoanalyst in 1953. He described the “good enough mother” as one who is available and attuned to their children’s needs and nurtures the infant so he/she will feel loved and cared for. Since there are no perfect mothers, eventually children adapt to their mother’s imperfections which develops their capacity to live in an imperfect world.
Building our children’s resilience is the gift of the ‘good enough mother.”
Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Honor your love for your children and the natural strengths you bring to your family. Remember that the most loving mothers get it wrong sometimes, but what’s important is that you get it right most of the time. Love, guide, and protect your children but don’t worry that every wrong decision or mistake you make will permanently scar your children for life.
Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself so you can be the “good enough” mother.
“Good enough” is the new perfect!!
If you ‘re struggling with embracing “Good enough is the new perfect”, you’re not alone. Let’s chat! Contact me for a free consultation to see if working together would be a good fit!
