Tips & Resources - Page 2 of 3 - Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke

Moving Onward & Upward

As a psychologist, I use empirically validated treatments like dialectical behavior therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and acceptance and commitment therapy to treat panic-like symptoms, difficult transitions, depression, eating problems and sleep problems that are common psychological issues during the coronavirus pandemic.

But I find people also need to be inspired with meaningful stories and philosophical, spiritual ideas. I am not a Buddhist but I often share the basic tenets of Buddhist philosophy to help individuals regulate uncomfortable emotions and gain perspective during uncertain times.

When I was in college I learned about Buddhism in a class titled “The Seven Religions of the World.” Buddhism teaches that the path to enlightenment and happiness is through the four noble truths:

The first noble truth is that pain is inevitable.
It is not because you are defective or “not enough “or did something wrong that you are experiencing pain. It is simply part of the human condition. Pain is inherent because everything in life is always changing. People divorce, kids grow up and leave home, some businesses close unexpectantly…what seems like it came out of nowhere, now we have the coronavirus which has changed every aspect of our lives.

The positive aspect of everything changing is that if you are in a bad place, bad times won’t last forever. They will change. In time, we will have a coronavirus vaccine and our lives will not return to how they were months ago, but we are resilient and we will develop a new normal.

If you are in a good place, enjoy the present moment. Focus your energy on all the good in your life because everything changes.

The second noble truth is that suffering is optional.
We can’t help if there is pain in our lives but we can choose to suffer or not suffer – even during the pandemic. Suffering occurs when we struggle against our life experiences (“this isn’t fair, this shouldn’t be happening to me”, etc.)and crave what we can’t have. We want to go on vacation this summer, watch sports events, participate in arts – not on TV but in person. We want to stop worrying about ourselves and loved one getting the virus, grieving losses of people who have died because of the virus and social distancing.

We have to radically accept that we are in pandemic and reach out to others. Let’s use our extra time to stop and see if we are living in a way that is healthy and experiencing some level of joy in our lives, and during this communal pause let’s reflect and remember the time for change is now!!

If you need some extra help to start living with more ease and joy, let’s chat! Contact me for a free consultation to see if working together would be a good fit!

4 Simple Steps to Develop A Positive Body Image

Do you have trouble accepting compliments about your appearance?
Do you discount compliments and say “they are just trying to be nice”?
Do you focus on critical comments said by others about how you look?

Responses like these to feedback from others about your appearance illustrate what I call the Swiss Cheese Phenomenon. The basic idea of the Swiss Cheese Phenomenon is that positive feedback from others falls through the “holes” in one’s body image, like the holes in the Swiss cheese. However, negative feedback, no matter how much rarer and implausible, manages to stick. That’s why it is difficult to develop a different attitude towards your body. The tendency to downplay or discount positive reactions to your appearance illustrates how the Swiss Cheese Phenomenon perpetuates a negative body image. This process robs you of the joy of feeling good about the “house you live in”…your body.

Be Deliberate About Developing A Healthy Body/Self-image & Get Comfortable Accepting Compliments!

To begin, say thank you after a compliment, instead of your natural reaction to discount. Remember if someone were to give you a gift you would say “thank you”. Be gracious, accept the compliment, and take it in. It also makes the giver of the compliment feel good.
Say the compliment to yourself several times during the day. Whatever you focus on helps you create new neural patterns in the brain to replace the negative body image patterns.
Develop a body esteem file where you write down the day the person who gave the compliment and the exact words of the compliment. Whatever you focus on gets bigger!
Surround yourself with people who support you in accepting and taking care of your body. It is not your fault if you were surrounded by critical people early in your life, but it is your responsibility to choose and spend time with people with positive supportive people now.

You too can develop a healthy body image. Will you spend the rest of your life allowing the Swiss Cheese Phenomenon to keep you stuck – or will you take on the challenge of being deliberate and creating a positive body image? The choice is yours!

If you need some extra help to start living with more ease and joy, let’s chat! Contact me for a free consultation to see if working together would be a good fit!

Good Enough Is The New “Perfect!”

In a coaching session today I worked with a 38-year-old mother of three kids aged four to ten who I have coached since February 2020. Kathy, who I admire for her capacity to be gentle, loving, and attuned to her children’s feelings, as well as really enjoying them at each stage of their development. On our weekly coaching call, she often describes funny things one of her children did, as well as how much fun she had playing outside with them!

Kathy was distraught because she felt that she was not doing well with her new role as the teacher of her children during the coronavirus pandemic. She struggled in school herself and found the new challenges of the pandemic overwhelming. She was afraid her children would be behind their peers when they returned to school in the fall. Her husband, who normally would have been available to help, is a nurse working ten to twelve-hour shifts most days.

The cultural pressures to be the perfect mother and raise children who are brilliant, great athletes and never make mistakes is impossible for anyone to achieve. The pressure to have a healthy dinner on the table every night, never have a bad day or experience any ambivalence as a mother is an impossible feat. Now add on the new role as the teacher of your children…

These ridiculous demands not only leave some mothers anxious and guilty but can take away the everyday joys of raising a family.

I shared with Kathy the concept of the “good enough mother” a phrase coined by D. W. Winnicott, a pediatrician, and psychoanalyst in 1953. He described the “good enough mother” as one who is available and attuned to their children’s needs and nurtures the infant so he/she will feel loved and cared for. Since there are no perfect mothers, eventually children adapt to their mother’s imperfections which develops their capacity to live in an imperfect world.

Building our children’s resilience is the gift of the ‘good enough mother.”

Being a mother is the hardest job in the world. Honor your love for your children and the natural strengths you bring to your family. Remember that the most loving mothers get it wrong sometimes, but what’s important is that you get it right most of the time. Love, guide, and protect your children but don’t worry that every wrong decision or mistake you make will permanently scar your children for life.

Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself so you can be the “good enough” mother.

“Good enough” is the new perfect!!

If you ‘re struggling with embracing “Good enough is the new perfect”, you’re not alone. Let’s chat! Contact me for a free consultation to see if working together would be a good fit!

Lessons In Life Transitions…from the Lobster!

lobster-shell-growth-personal-development

By Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke

I was coaching a client I will call Sara, a writer, on the west coast who was struggling with depression and writer’s block. She was the type of person who always did what everyone else wanted instead of what she wanted. She was unhappily married, but after three unsuccessful attempts at marriage counseling, she wanted to divorce her husband. They were married but living separate lives. She stayed at home, while he spent most of his time out with friends and was beginning to smoke too much pot. Within her marriage, she was lonely and became increasingly isolated because of depression. These were all signs in her life that some important things needed to change…painful changes.

We started working together to make those changes as simple, quick, and pain-free as possible. As one of her homework assignments, I suggested that she could get out of the house and meet with people at least three times a week. This can be a real challenge when you’re feeling depressed, and going out with people can often be is a lot of energy-zapping mental effort. She started slowly by choosing to have dinner with her sister and her husband on a Saturday night and reluctantly met them at a local seafood restaurant.

While waiting in line, they stood next to a tank full of lobsters. Her brother-in-law had minored in oceanography in college and loved to talk about sea creatures. He began to tell her about lobsters…

“Lobsters must molt in order to grow. As the lobster gets larger, it needs to grow a more spacious shell,” he explained. “This soft creature that is used to having a strong armor around it now must go out into the world temporarily exposed. They might be eaten by prey or washed up on the reef and die. The period between shells is one where the lobster is vulnerable, but must go through it in order to grow.”

After this conversation, Sarah dreamt about lobsters every night. There would be lobsters on her table, walking in line in front of her on the beach, or lobsters staring at her. She said, “Not only am I depressed…but now I am crazy too!”

With some help, Sarah realized that the lobster was a metaphor for herself. She had outgrown her shell, but she was afraid to let others know what she really wanted at this point in her life.

She wanted more out of her life…to change careers and do the things her husband never wanted to do, like travel.

She longed to go back to college to become an English teacher.

We talked about how the “Time for change is now!” She planned to separate from her husband and enroll in college courses to become a teacher. She planned a trip with her best friend to go to Napa Valley and do a wine tour that fall.

As she began to “get out of her shell”, she felt vulnerable and scared. Using the toolbox of strategies I shared with her, she was able to handle the anxiety she felt, that so often occurs when we make major changes. She became more involved in her temple and began to work as a teacher’s assistant at a local grade school.

Change is not easy. It can be really scary at first but seek out support when you need it, get the tools to help you through and you will become the writer of the next chapter in your life!

We can change at any age…at thirty-six, Sara was finally becoming her authentic self and felt more alive than she ever did in life. You can too. The time for change is now!

Want to learn the tools Sara used and move forward with your life on your terms?

Contact me today!

A Voice of Hope

By Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke

Andrea Bocelli, a legendary opera singer, streamed a live performance titled “Music For Hope – Live From Duomo di Milano: a concert to send love, healing, and hope during this global health crisis.” Performed on Easter Sunday, he began with a meditation about the concert and his spiritual connection to the Easter holiday.

“I believe in the strength of praying together; I believe in the Christian Easter, a universal symbol of rebirth that everyone, whether they are believers or not, truly needs right now.”

Having seen Andrea Bocelli in a sold-out concert in Cincinnati last year, it was almost surreal to see him singing alone in the magnificent Duomo in Milan. He sang four spiritual songs, including Ave Maria, and then solemnly walked outside to the cathedral square where he sang a powerful rendition of “Amazing Grace”.

The combination of his breathtaking voice along with the drone shots showing the vast isolation of empty waterways and deserted streets of New York, Paris, London, and Milan moved me to tears. The fear and sadness about what is happening during these uncertain times began to surface. I began to pray the way I did as a child. I said prayers for my family, friends, patients, and those sick with COVID-19. I prayed for blessings for our entire human family. I experienced hope that if we can get through this together it may bring us together.

By the end of the concert, I felt more peaceful and hopeful that this major disruption to normal life may bring much-needed changes in the way we live. I was confident that everything was going to be okay, that this is a temporary situation, and this can be a time to pause, breathe, and reflect. This concert enabled me to experience a spiritual rebirth and learn the mystical power of intention and music.

Did you see the concert too? What impact did it have on you? Let me know in the comments!

Forgiving and Letting Go

By Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke

A forty-year-old client I coach, whom I will call Kathy, asked if she could set up an extra appointment this week after finding out that her mom was diagnosed with the coronavirus. She had not talked to her mother for eight years. Her mother struggled with alcoholism since Kathy was a teenager. She was an angry drunk who disrupted the household and played a role in Kathy’s depression and sleep disorder. The last holiday Kathy and her family spent with her mother, she was drunk and angry and fell asleep before the thanksgiving dinner. Kathy’s kids were frightened and scared of her mother, so she decided she would never talk to her mother again. She knows the impact her mother’s alcoholism had on her growing up and she was not going to let her mother’s addiction affect her kids too.

After the phone call where she learned her mother was sick, Kathy was having problems sleeping, eating and focusing at work. She didn’t know what to do.

I shared the following story with her:

In medieval times, there was a knight who was known to do the right thing and respect and be kind to those around him. He was on a horse heading into the village and was shot with an arrow. Angry and in pain he vowed, “I will not take this arrow out until I find out who shot me and he/she apologizes to me. I don’t deserve this.”

What do you think happened? He died from an infection.

Kathy said she was worried that if she began to forgive her mom, it would be making light of her addictive behaviors and how it affected every aspect of her life. She also was remembering the times before her mother’s alcoholism and how she felt nurtured and loved by her mother.

She called me the next day and said she decided to “take the arrow out” so she wouldn’t die from an “emotional infection”. She let me know that she called her mom.

Are you someone who suffers and is unable to change because you can’t forgive an important person in your life? Is your unhappiness a result of an unresolved emotional wound? Are you stuck because your wife had an affair, your boss never appreciated your hard work or your children didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to?

Forgiving yourself and others can set you free to be truly happy. You have to forgive, take the “arrow out” and get past the hurt and bitterness within you.

The time for change is now!

If you too have someone you’d like to forgive, I’m here to help you through the process, step by step! Contact me

Stress eating? You’re not alone – and experts say it’s OK

What is it about stress that makes people turn to chocolate, pizza, chips and other indulgent foods?

By Meghan Holohan, featuring Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke. Original article on Today.com.

The memes about overeating during the coronavirus pandemic have been flooding social media. People joke about gaining the “quarantine 19” or the “COVID-19.” Others compare themselves to Hobbits always wanting second breakfasts. It’s clear many people are using food to soothe their feelings.

“We often associate food with comfort. We literally have that name, these are comfort foods,” Ann Kearney-Cooke, a psychologist at the Cincinnati Psychotherapy Institute, told TODAY. “Short-term stress will decrease appetite. But if it’s long-term stress or if we don’t know when it ends, it increases appetite.”

When people experience a lot of uncertainty or ongoing strain, their bodies produce a steroid hormone, cortisol, which boosts feelings of hunger.

“We secrete cortisol, which increases wanting to eat,” Kearney-Cooke explained.

That’s why people reach for mac and cheese or pizza while under pressure and Kearney-Cooke said enjoying some indulgent food during the pandemic shouldn’t cause people to panic.

“It’s OK to let yourself receive comfort from food,” she said.

She cautions people against restricting themselves too much right now. People can’t enjoy so many of the things they once loved: There are no sports, attending movies or concerts or even going out to dinner. But people can still make and eat special meals.

“Food is pleasurable. But if some people are not feeling as much pleasure, they can’t go out Saturday night to watch the new movie, (they’re missing it),” Kearney-Cooke said. “We need pleasure in our life.”

Nutritionist Leslie Bonci, owner of Active Eating Advice in Pittsburgh, said she’s been telling her clients not to fret too much about gaining weight.

“It’s really scary and if people are at home and looking to comfort themselves in whatever they can,” she told TODAY. “People want to have the foods that make them feel secure.”

Now is not the time to stress about gaining a pound or two.

“Some people may be gaining weight because they’re eating a little bit more, exercising a little bit less. And you know what, I’m not overly worried about that with my patients right now,” Bonci said. “There are bigger fish to fry.”

So much of daily life has transformed that it’s important that people focus on their immediate worries and not beat themselves up over having dessert more often or adding more carbs or fat in meals.

“Every aspect of our lives — not just eating and exercising — changed. Most people never worked from home or didn’t have to home school their children. They’re not sleeping well because they’re looking at the news,” she said. “The idea of putting more stress on one’s self or more guilt on themselves right not is not a positive behavior.”

Kearney-Cooke agrees. Though, she does warn people to think about their comfort food consumption.

“It becomes a problem if you are eating excessive amounts of food and especially if you’re doing them to fix your moods and emotions,” Kearney-Cooke said. If that’s you, here is some helpful advice.

Bonci encourages people to truly savor their food. Now that people have loads of time, they can make complicated recipes and experiment with dishes they’d normally be too busy to make. But, she urges people to relish their food and not mindlessly eat it, making meals into events. That way people can have rich foods and feel better, without overeating too much or using it as a crutch.

“Sit and enjoy it. In our real life we might not be able to do that,” she said. “Take the time to savor the food.”

Koby Bryant’s tragic death a reminder for us all to live

By Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke

I was shocked and sad when I heard the news that Kobe Bryant had died in a helicopter crash. How could someone like Kobe, larger than life, die so young in a crash on the way to coach his daughter’s team? How could these dedicated parents perish with their daughters who they were meant to cheer for that very day?

Kobe seemed immortal and his death destroyed the illusion that life is predictable and safe. It stirs up feelings of other losses in our lives and reminds us of our own mortality.

I have never been emotional about the death of a celebrity. I admire individuals who are really good at what they do. Sports figures, musicians, and other public figures bring joy and excitement to our everyday life. But that day, I felt emotional about Kobe’s abrupt ending to his life.

All of Sunday, I read articles about Kobe’s life, watched TV and social media where others shared their sadness and shock. I listened to stories from people who Kobe had touched and talked with family and friends about it. I was struck how people, regardless of their race, age, socioeconomic status or political affiliation, connected together to grieve Kobe. It reminded me of how, at our heart, our country is a compassionate one where people from all walks of life are sad when someone important to us dies, even if we never met them.

I am not an NBA fan, but I periodically watched Kobe on the sports channel with amazement in the way he played basketball. So passionate, so talented and determined to win the game. Growing up, my father coached the CYO’s (Catholic Youth Organization) eighth-grade basketball team. Since I was the fifth of six children, I spent a lot of Sundays watching my three brothers play on his team. I came to appreciate the game of basketball, and to this day, March Madness is my favorite time of year.

Growing up I lived about a half-hour from Lower Merion where Kobe played basketball in high school. I remember my father talking about this amazing basketball player Kobe Bryant. He said he was special, he stood out from the rest. He was talented, competitive and had that fire in the belly that he was going to win. He told me to follow him into the pros because he was going to make it big.

He did make it big. He was drafted into the pros right out of high school. He went from a young star to one of the best players in the history of the NBA. People loved to watch him play. His love of the game, tenacity, and passion created excitement for many. As a psychologist, I often tell my clients that we are all a mixture of strengths and weaknesses. Perfection does not exist.

Kobe was a complicated man. From what I read, he wasn’t the most popular player in the NBA among his peers in his early years. He had an estranged relationship with his parents and was accused of sexual assault. At the same time, he modeled hard work, perseverance, and purposeful living. He was a philanthropist, an amazing father and a huge advocate for women’s sports. He was a brilliant man who wrote poems, screenplays, books, and podcasts. He poured himself into everything he did with intensity whether he was playing basketball with the Los Angeles Lakers or sitting next to his daughter on the sidelines teaching her about the game of basketball.

Seeing Kobe with his children humanized him. I love the pictures of him kissing his youngest daughter and brainstorming with Gigi watching a basketball game. I read that when a reporter said he needed to have a son to continue Kobe’s athletic genes, Gigi who was standing right next to him said confidently, “She was more than up to the task.”

It reminded me of the power of a father supporting his daughter. Growing up in an athletic family, I did not get the athletic gene. In middle school, I was a book worm. I wanted to play a sport and my father taught me how to play softball. That spring, every night after dinner he dedicated time to teach me the essentials of the game. He knew I wanted to make the team. I made the softball team and played first base. Thanks to the incredible arm of the third baseman on my team, I was part of a triple play that year. The coach went crazy and my father who was watching the game close to first base picked me up and twirled me around. It was one of the happiest moments of my life.

This tragedy reminds us that everyone, no matter who you are will die. But for me, the real question is, who is going to live?

Kobe lived with passion and took chances and pushed himself towards excellence. Are you going to really live? Put yourself out there, make a difference, be vulnerable and love others and live in the moment. He inspired us to do that. On Monday, we celebrated Kobe Bryant’s life. We will pause together, show respect and pray for all the people who lost their lives on Sunday, Jan. 26.

We lost a great one. He died way too young. He will be honored for the amazing man he was – off and on the court.

Ann Kearney Cooke is a psychologist and lives in Montgomery.

Originally featured in The Enquirer – Cincinnati

Mass Shootings in America: A Psychological Perspective

by Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D.

In the aftermath of the mass shootings earlier last month in Dayton, Ohio and El Paso, Texas, I am concerned as a citizen and psychologist. These horrifying assaults on innocent people leave families grieving for their loved ones and a nation traumatized with the fear that this can happen in any community, at any time.

The following are suggestions I am offering to address the mass shooting issue:

Psychological help must be available during school hours, on school grounds, for troubled individuals. For example, the shooter in Dayton compiled lists of students he wanted to kill or rape when he was in high school. Obviously, this is not normal. The school did what it had to do to protect other students by removing him from the school; but, removing a troubled teen from school doesn’t remove the potential for violence. We need to do more.

What happened after that?
If he is like most mass shooters and their families, they did not receive long-term psychological treatment. Research shows that many mass shooters have experienced social isolation and bullying. Most have experienced childhood trauma, exposure to violence at an early age, physical, sexual abuse, neglect, and domestic violence. Those are not excuses for their behavior, but they are a reality with profound and life changing impacts on youth that can prove deadly. Researchers have found that the brains of people with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) are different from those without post-traumatic stress disorder. Trauma effects the amygdala in the brain which leaves individuals hypervigilant to threat and effects the prefrontal cortex which leaves victims with difficulty regulating their emotions. It can cause problems in developing healthy relationships or tolerating life’s failures, rejections, and uncertainties without excessive distress.

Mental health care on school grounds
Maybe there is one psychological expert for each school district who spends six to eight hours at one school each day providing treatment on a weekly basis to help disaffected individuals and their families develop skills such as empathy, assertiveness, and selfmanagement skills. The federal government should invest in having expertly trained mental health workers on school grounds, who meet with troubled individuals twice weekly and their families once a week. These sessions would be more convenient for troubled individuals and their families, and individuals may be more willing to receive needed care when at a familiar environment. They can help potential shooters to develop closer attachments with their families and teach interpersonal skills and self-regulation skills (to handle their emotions without turning to violence). They can provide a toolbox of practical skills to handle the developmental challenges of life.

Protocols to report at risk individuals
We must develop clear protocols that individuals can use to anonymously let the FBI know when they fear someone could become violent. The ex-girlfriend of the Dayton shooter was concerned about his threats of violence when he called her drunk. She was in a bind and unqualified to assess the seriousness of his threats. Should she contact his parents? Was she worried that maybe she was overreacting since he was drunk? There need to be experts in schools and agencies that worried individuals can contact and report their concerns to.

Many mass shooters are angry, suicidal, obsessed with guns, and begin to withdraw from others before the shooting. Many leak their plan ahead of time. Afterwards, family and friends say they knew something was wrong with the potential shooter, but weren’t sure what to do about it. There needs to be an easily accessible and confidential resource for individuals to report their concerns.

We need to keep a close eye on social media
Potential mass shooters often draw inspiration from one another online. Many have studied the actions of other shooters and feel validated for their motive. Many of the socially alienated males get radicalized online and seek validation from others and learn that murder is justifiable, which amplify their anger.

For example, the El Paso shooter who wrote a manifesto posted on 8chan before the rampage. He denounced Hispanic immigrants and corporations.

Change in gun rights
Gun rights need to be protected, but there is no reason for a civilian to own an assault weapon with high capacity magazine. Assault weapons enable a shooter to kill many people quickly and may enhance the shooters sense of importance and revenge. I suggest universal background checks and raising the age of gun ownership. Also, red flag rules that remove guns from people at high risk should be implemented immediately. Leaders in our country need to be courageous and stand up to the NRA and make sure this happens as soon as possible.

The Dayton and El Paso shooters both used AK-47 assault rifles with multiple ammunitions when they killed many innocent people.

As I write this article, I learn about yet another mass shooting in Odessa, Texas. The time for change is now!

An Innovative Approach to Stop Overeating

In this podcast interview, Kathy welcomes Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D. and they talk about binge eating disorder treatment through the wellness lens. They discuss how shifting the focus to wellness became easier for their clients when their clients became aware of how much they were gaining in life satisfaction rather than what they had to give up or deprive themselves of.

Listen to the podcast