By Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke
I was coaching a client I will call Sara, a writer, on the west coast who was struggling with depression and writer’s block. She was the type of person who always did what everyone else wanted instead of what she wanted. She was unhappily married, but after three unsuccessful attempts at marriage counseling, she wanted to divorce her husband. They were married but living separate lives. She stayed at home, while he spent most of his time out with friends and was beginning to smoke too much pot. Within her marriage, she was lonely and became increasingly isolated because of depression. These were all signs in her life that some important things needed to change…painful changes.
We started working together to make those changes as simple, quick, and pain-free as possible. As one of her homework assignments, I suggested that she could get out of the house and meet with people at least three times a week. This can be a real challenge when you’re feeling depressed, and going out with people can often be is a lot of energy-zapping mental effort. She started slowly by choosing to have dinner with her sister and her husband on a Saturday night and reluctantly met them at a local seafood restaurant.
While waiting in line, they stood next to a tank full of lobsters. Her brother-in-law had minored in oceanography in college and loved to talk about sea creatures. He began to tell her about lobsters…
“Lobsters must molt in order to grow. As the lobster gets larger, it needs to grow a more spacious shell,” he explained. “This soft creature that is used to having a strong armor around it now must go out into the world temporarily exposed. They might be eaten by prey or washed up on the reef and die. The period between shells is one where the lobster is vulnerable, but must go through it in order to grow.”
After this conversation, Sarah dreamt about lobsters every night. There would be lobsters on her table, walking in line in front of her on the beach, or lobsters staring at her. She said, “Not only am I depressed…but now I am crazy too!”
With some help, Sarah realized that the lobster was a metaphor for herself. She had outgrown her shell, but she was afraid to let others know what she really wanted at this point in her life.
She wanted more out of her life…to change careers and do the things her husband never wanted to do, like travel.
She longed to go back to college to become an English teacher.
We talked about how the “Time for change is now!” She planned to separate from her husband and enroll in college courses to become a teacher. She planned a trip with her best friend to go to Napa Valley and do a wine tour that fall.
As she began to “get out of her shell”, she felt vulnerable and scared. Using the toolbox of strategies I shared with her, she was able to handle the anxiety she felt, that so often occurs when we make major changes. She became more involved in her temple and began to work as a teacher’s assistant at a local grade school.
Change is not easy. It can be really scary at first but seek out support when you need it, get the tools to help you through and you will become the writer of the next chapter in your life!
We can change at any age…at thirty-six, Sara was finally becoming her authentic self and felt more alive than she ever did in life. You can too. The time for change is now!
Want to learn the tools Sara used and move forward with your life on your terms?
